2. And behold, this name hath no meaning whatsoever, unless we take it the Garden of Get-some-money. If so, then behold, our Lord hath gone there into the Garden to get some money. How he should have completed this mission, no word is left about it.
3. He had got caught already in that very garden a year before, unless it had not been himself.
4. Because, behold, every Christmas morning a New Christ is born to the Earth,
5. And by every Passover/Easter, the Lord gets crucified.
6. But indeed, whoever is born to the Earth is zero years old.
7. And whichever Christ is crucified is exactly thirty-three years of age.
8. And it is simply impossible for one to get thirty-three years older from Christmas till Easter, in less than half a year.
9. Thus we can conclude that there are only two possibilities left. Case one is that there is a miracle that happens every year that a zero year-old kid gets thirty-three years older within a quarter of a year. In that case thy scripts and thy newspapers would have some word about it, which they don't.
10. Case two is that every Christmas a new Christ is born, who is zero years old, and every Easter another one dies, who is thirty-three years old.
11. This merely leaves us with the only possibility, that thirty-four Jesuses live on the Earth simultaneously (from Christmas to Easter and thirty-three of them from Easter to Christmas), with exactly one year difference between the two closest of them, all of them having their birthdays on Christmas day, and the oldest always walking in to this very garden, to get crucified a bit later.
12. Thus the holy number is revealed: it is THIRTY-FOUR!
Thus hath the preacher of the J-34 Church read the story from the Holy Scripts and the congregation hath said "Amen!"